It Came From Raspeburg eBook

An anthology of horror short stories I scanned and coverted to an eBook.

Link to download "It Came From Raspeburg" ebook

Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

 

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Describing him as frequently frustrated and overwhelmed, sources confirmed Monday that local Facebook user Michael Huffman is incredibly stupid. “I need stuff easy,” said the absolute dipshit, adding that he finds many things confusing, and that those things must be changed so that they make sense to him. “I like looking at things on Facebook, but I don’t understand a lot. Help, please.” At press time, someone had reportedly fixed everything for the goddamn imbecile.

1st Orioles Game of 2014

Today we went to our first Orioles game of 2014. We beat the Indians 4-2. My mother got the tickets from her neighbor Bill. They were great seats, rows 9 and 10 behind the visiting team's dugout, with a great parking pass. Mom, Mike, Karen and I went. Great weather too.

Photos from the Sun by Joy R. Absalon, USA Today Sports and Rob Carr, Getty Images.

1st Night at the Bengies in 2014

Matthew and I went to the Bengies Drive-In tonight. It was Sunday night so it was a double feature instead of the usual triple feature. We saw "Godzilla 2014" and "300: Rise of an Empire". They were both good. I'm glad we went, I didn't make it to a single show in 2013. Also, it was cold, really cold. We were all wrapped up in comforters trying to keep warm. Click on the photos to see the trailers.

Sure, they're a little dirty, and a couple of them look like they're from the 70's but....

FREEPORT, ME—Excitedly pushing past each other as they gathered around the slightly soggy pile, a group of overjoyed local fifth-graders came across several perfectly good naked ladies lying right in the woods behind the baseball field, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Whoa! Look at all of them—you can see everything!” said wide-eyed 11-year-old Joshua Goldstein as he knelt down to closely inspect each one of the fully nude young women lying in a haphazard heap on the ground, before turning his attention to a large-breasted one left draped over a log. “Sure, they’re a little dirty, and a couple of them look like they’re from the ’70s, but after we dry them off they’ll be perfect. They’re still in pretty good shape! Who would just leave them lying out here like this?” After concluding that their mothers might discover the nude women if they brought them home, the boys reportedly decided to tuck the naked ladies under some bushes and come back to look at them later.

So-Called Christian Has Erection

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection.

Daugherty, who claims to abide by the word of the Lord and walk in the footsteps of Jesus, is nonetheless now in a state of physical arousal, a development that has sent shockwaves through his community and deeply troubled his fellow churchgoers.

“How could anyone who professes to be a Christian fall to such shameful depths?” said Janet Hindsley, a member of Daugherty’s church who told reporters she was stunned and disgusted at news of the man’s engorged genitals. “I know people are capable of these kinds of ghastly practices. I’m not naïve. But you just don’t expect this sort of sinful behavior from someone you worship with every Sunday.”

“The thought that I’ve probably shared a pew with him before makes me sick to my stomach,” she added, shaking her head in revulsion.

Though Daugherty reportedly reads the Bible almost every day and regularly speaks out about his faith, sources said his present titillated condition puts him repulsively at odds with his assertion that he has accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. While many church members said they are praying for the soul of a man they believe has gone down a dark path, others are calling for the “pervert” and “heretic” to be expelled from their congregation.

According to Darren Howe, who belongs to the same men’s prayer group as Daugherty, this isn’t the first time the purported believer in the Holy Scripture has become erect.

“He confided to me that he gets them at least once a week, and sometimes every day,” said Howe with visible distaste, adding that while he was revolted by the admission, he encouraged Daugherty in his battle to remain pure before the eyes of the Lord. “Apparently he’s even woken up in the morning with one, as horribly depraved as that is. And this is a man who has children! He’s got that… that thing under the same roof as his kids!”

“How could Jeff let his body become an instrument of Satan?” he continued. “He must renounce this evil in his life and repent.”

Fearing Daugherty may bring his tumescent phallus into their place of worship Sunday, some church members have appealed to their pastor, the Rev. Allen Whitlock, to prevent the “insult to all creation” from entering God’s house.

“While it’s true we are all sinners, that doesn’t give us an excuse to live as wickedly as we please,” Whitlock said when reached for comment. “I’ve known Jeff a long time. I’ve had dinner at his house. I’ve prayed with his family at their kitchen table. It unnerves me to think that right there in his lap, out of sight and inches away from me, Jeff might very well have been quietly sinning. Because even if no one else can see it, the Lord can.”

“Do I want a man singing songs of praise in my church while his body is flush with such impurity?” he continued. “No, I do not. It’s an abomination, and it must stop.”

At press time, the pastor stood before a hastily convened vigil outside Daugherty’s house, urging his congregation to pray for the fallen man’s erection to retreat and remain dormant so that he might one day resume his walk with God.

AVAM New Exhibit

Natalie and I went to see the new exhibit at the American Visionary Arts Museum today. It's called "Human, Soul & Machine: The Coming Singularity!" The exhibit was smaller than usual (only half the second floor) but still worth seeing if just for the Christmas room called "Have Yourself  A Happy Robotmas".

5th Orioles Game of the Year - The Streak Ends

Well, our winning streak has ended - badly. We were creamed by the Red Sox, 12 - 3. They were winning 8 - 0 by the third inning. I should be used to the Oriole's annual September melt-down by now.  At least they had fireworks afterword. Natalie got the good seats behind home plate again. This time, Natalie, Matthew, Mike and I went.

Some totally unbiased reporting from ESPN

BALTIMORE -- Doesn't take much more than simple math to figure out Clay Buchholz has worked his way back and is ready for the playoffs. In four starts since a lengthy stint on the disabled list, Buchholz's pitch count has grown from 74 to 113, the last of those during Boston's 12-3 rout of the Baltimore Orioles on Friday night.

The Sox are on the cusp of clinching home-field advantage, which is far preferable to what happened when they faced the O's two years ago this weekend, Gordon Edes writes.  "He's answered the physical question, for sure," Boston manager John Farrell said.

Buchholz (12-1) allowed up three runs and seven hits in seven innings, and Daniel Nava and David Ortiz hit three-run homers for the Red Sox, who had an 8-0 lead by the third inning. Dustin Pedroia added three hits, and Jarrod Saltalamacchia had a three-run drive overturned in a video review.

The win left the AL East champions needing one more win or a loss by Oakland to clinch the AL's best record. The Athletics won 8-2 at Seattle on Friday.

Given a big lead before his first pitch, Buchholz rebounded from a loss to Toronto last weekend. A strained neck that cost him three months interrupted what has been a stellar season statistically. His ERA is 1.74, and he's 6-0 with a 1.40 ERA in seven road starts. He's also 4-0 with a 1.74 ERA in his last four starts against Baltimore.

"It's a good stepping stone," Buchholz said. "I'm just glad the team could score all those runs. There wasn't a whole lot of stress in the outing today."

That was probably for the best, given that Buchholz's routine was upset by the team's off day Thursday, when he said he basically slept all day.

"My body felt a little lethargic tonight," he said. "I felt when I woke up this morning that it might be a grinding outing for me today, which I felt I needed, too. Anybody can go out there when you have your best stuff."

Adam Jones' two-run homer in the third was the first home run by a right-handed hitter off Buchholz this year. Buchholz also gave up Chris Davis' major league-leading 53rd homer in the sixth. Scott Feldman (5-6) allowed eight runs and eight hits in 2 1-3 innings for the Orioles, who have lost seven of nine. "It would've been nice to finish up a little stronger heading to the offseason coming off a good game," Feldman said. "But the bottom line is, we all, everybody in here, wanted to make the playoffs and we didn't do it. Hopefully next year we'll get in there."

Boston hit for the cycle as a team in the first, when Mike Napoli had an RBI double, Nava sent a first-pitch curveball in the right-field bleachers, and Stephen Drew hit an RBI triple.

Saltalamacchia's drive off Feldman in the third hit the top side of the cushion atop the right-field wall and caromed back onto the field. After the play Initially ruled a home run, umpires reviewed the video and gave Saltalamacchia a double that left two men on. Drew followed with a two-run single off Zach Britton.

Ortiz hit his 30th homer in the eighth, the first batter faced by former Boston College pitcher Mike Belfiore in his major league debut.

"Welcome to the big leagues," Ortiz said. "I heard he's from Boston, too."

Game notes


Ortiz tied Ted Williams' team record for 30-homer, 100-RBI seasons with seven. ... Davis' homer was his 28th at home, breaking the previous franchise record set by Frank Robinson in Memorial Stadium in 1966. Davis was back in the lineup after missing one game with a sore right foot. An X-ray on Thursday showed nothing worrisome. "It was more about just letting me catch my breath," Davis said. ... Jones' homer was his career-best 33rd, one more than last year. ... Red Sox OF Shane Victorino sat out with a nagging thumb injury. "Fully expect he'll be in the lineup tomorrow," Farrell said. ... Napoli went 1 for 3 with two walks in his return to Boston's lineup after missing four games with a left foot injury, and CF Jacoby Ellsbury was 0 for 4 in his second game after missing 16 with a broken right foot. ... A handful of Red Sox players debuted a new slogan before the game, wearing red T-shirts that read: "3 lines, 2 Chainz, 1 goal."

4th Orioles Game of the Year - We're 4 for 4!

Matt Wieters' 2-out, 2-run single in 10th lifts Orioles over White Sox, 4-3.

We have to go to every home game now. When we go, the Orioles win.

Photos from the Sunpapers

Aberdeen Ironbirds

Last night, Natalie and I went to see the Aberdeen Ironbirds play at Ripken Stadium. I had won a pair of tickets, with meal vouchers, at the North Plaza Mall Festival. The Ironbirds won, beating the State College Spikes 2 to 1. Really a nice prize. The food was good. They had salmon and some other kind of fish, good side dishes, fresh fruit and chocolate cake. You also got free soft drinks but we were drinking beer. They have a good selection of beers too. Natalie was drinking a pale ale from Greenville, Deleware and I drank Ram's Head IPA. Good stuff. 

Aberdeen, MD- The IronBirds shut down an offense that ranked as one of the best in the New York-Penn League, beating the State College Spikes by a final of 2-1. The win moves the IronBirds to 13-10 on the year, and move into first place for the first time all season.

The Spikes came into the game with a league-leading .287 batting average and .355 on-base percentage, but on this night, IronBirds pitching mowed them down with ease.

Mitch Horacek, making his third professional start, looked exceptionally sharp in earning his first professional win. In 5 strong innings of work, Horacek struck out six, allowing just one run on three hits.

IronBirds relievers continued where Horacek left off, as Williams Louico and Jimmy Yacabonis combined to throw four innings of sterling relief.

The IronBirds struck early, taking the lead before they had made an out. Jared Breen started off the first with a single through the right side. The hit extended Breen's hit streak to 13 games, tied for the third-longest hit streak in IronBirds history. He then stole second, Mike Yastrzemski doubled him home, and the IronBirds had the lead.

The Birds scored again in the third. With two outs, Yastrzemski was hit by a pitch, then stole second, putting himself in scoring position. Trey Mancini followed with a bloop single to right, and the lead extended to 2-0.

Horacek had been excellent through four innings, but ran into trouble in the fifth. He allowed a leadoff single, threw a wild pitch, then gave up another single, putting runners at the corners with no outs. But Horacek would find his way out of the inning with the lead intact, inducing two ground balls to the shortstop, one of which turned into a double play. The Spikes scored in the inning, but the IronBirds led 2-1.

The IronBirds would not score again in the game, but as it turned out, they didn't need it. IronBirds relief pitchers on this night would be perfect, recording four innings of no-hit ball. Louico pitched the sixth and seventh, striking out two.

Yacabonis would follow, recording a six-out save, the second of his professional career. After setting down the side in order in the eighth, Yacabonis would strike out the first two batters before allowing a two-out walk. The walk broke a string of 14 straight batters retired by IronBirds pitching. The next batter, however, flied out to center, and the IronBirds had the victory.

The IronBirds would strike out 11 State College batters tonight, a dominant performance against a very tough offensive team.

After starting off the season 0-5, the IronBirds have won 13 of their last 18 games. With an 8-4 loss by the Hudson Valley Renedgades moved into first place, leading the Renegades by a half-game.


The IronBirds will look to win their fourth consecutive series tomorrow night in the second game of a three-game set against State College. RHP Austin Urban (0-2, 6.23 ERA) will go for the IronBirds, while the IronBirds will face Spikes' RHP Andrew Pierce (0-0, 3.12 ERA).

AVAM Visit With Natalie

We went to the American Vision Arts Museum today. Their current exhibit is about storytelling. Interesting stuff but I didn't like it as much as some of their other shows. They had a few videos going but the volume was so low I couldn't hear what they were saying, so they were pointless.

Below are some photos of the show by Dan Meyers and  the AVAM's notes about the exhibit.

ABOUT THE EXHIBITION

"Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale." –Hans Christian Andersen (1805–1875)

From scripture to fairy tale, cartoons to cyberbullying, the raw power of stories to inspire and enchant, spread lies or to inform, simply has no equal. THE ART OF STORYTELLING: Lies, Enchantment, Humor & Truth is the American Visionary Art Museum's brand-new, supremely original exhibition featuring embroidery, diorama, sculpture, film, graffiti, and PostSecret confession—promoting all manner of acute 'visual listening' and delight for the whole family.

The museum's 18th, yearlong, thematic exhibition explores the impact of story via visual narratives created by 30+ visionary artists, each expressive of some personal aspect of tale-telling. Their intuitive creations include: the intricate cutout stories of TED speaker and artist sensation, Béatrice Coron; Mars Tokyo's miniature 3-D Theaters of the 13th Dimension; and by popular demand, the return of Esther Krinitz's love-filled, 36-piece, embroidered tale of her Holocaust survival. Other exhibition highlights include a collection of twenty painted self-portrait stories by rescued Cambodian children, and accompanied by Leslie Hope's documentary film, What I See When I Close My Eyes; photographer Larry Yust's Streets Tell Stories, images of graffiti and street art from across the globe; and Andi Olsen's filmed stories behind human body scars. Another return from AVAM's inaugural exhibition is Debbie and Mike Schramer's Fairy Tree Houses, guaranteed to enchant as powerfully as AVAM's permanent collection of South African "Truth and Reconciliation" story quilt testimonies. Chris Roberts-Antieau's newest batch of humorous embroidered fabric appliqués join with artist P. Nosa's stitched five-word-inspired scenes, created on his bike pedaled/solar powered, roving sewing machine! Apache elder Judy Tallwing's tribal legends, painted with precious metals and adorned with prayer beads, speak to the oral traditions that pass sacred stories to new generations; and opera/hip-hop/performance artist Vanessa German wields found sculpture assemblages to shout her 'soul stories,' aimed at retelling a more truthful side to African American history.

THE ART OF STORYTELLING's 'table of contents' overflows with quotes, jokes (even the classic "a guy walks into a bar..." has a who, what & where to it), and timeless sub-categories like Shakespeare's "All The World's A Stage, And All The Men And Women Merely Players." Another section, "Lies, Loshon Hora & True Confessions of Bullies & The Bullied Innocents" examines the dark underbelly of storytelling, magnified via the Internet to spin negative, false and hurtful stories. This exhibition is an articulate plea for greater civility and kindness in our ways of telling stories about, and speaking to, one another.

This must-see exhibition is a sequel for co-curatorial team Rebecca Hoffberger, Founder & Director of AVAM, and Mary Ellen 'Dolly' Vehlow, award-winning graphic designer and Founder/Sponsor of Washington, D.C.'s H Street Festival. THE ART OF STORYTELLING: Lies, Enchantment, Humor & Truth underscores the role all museums and media play as public storytellers, as well as their inescapable influence on what we think, believe, and ultimately understand of stories.

"There have been great societies that did not use the wheel, but there have been no societies that did not tell stories." –Ursula K. Le Guinn

"The Art of Storytelling" ARTISTS:

Anonymous artists, Chris Roberts-Antieau, Calvin and Ruby Black, Art Brun, Béatrice Coron, Timmerman Daugherty, Jim Doran, Emily Duffy, Nancy Duvall, Vanessa German, Allen Hicks, Leslie Hope, George Kennard, M.D. (Story provided by historian, Dr. Philip J. Merrill), Esther Nisenthal Krinitz, Patty Kuzbida, Anthony Horton & Youme Landowne, Geraldine Lloyd, P. Nosa, Ben Ortega, Andi Olsen, Brian Pardini, Nina Shapiro-Perl, PostSecret artists, Rescued Children of Friends-International Cambodia, Betty Rosen, Allie Light & Irving Saraf (Light-Saraf Films), Debbie Schramer, Mike Schramer, Marcellin Simard, M.D., William Stoeckley, D.D.S., Judy Tallwing, Alex Todorovich, Mars Tokyo, Frank Warren, Harriet Elizabeth Thompson, a.k.a. "Princess Wee Wee," Matthew "Bay Bay" Williams, Larry Yust.