MS Paint Album Covers

MS Paint Album Covers, a set by Public Collectors on Flickr.

BMA Contemporary Wing Grand Re-Opening

Experimental Fashion Show - This photo is not from the show I saw but these costumes were in it. Maybe the photo is from the night before. They sure looked better in the dark. Below is one I took with my crappy camera.

1st Orioles Game of 2012

We wupped'em - 10 to 6.

Cal Ripken Throwing Out The First Pitch - From The Baltimore Sun

From ESPN/MLB

BALTIMORE -- Adam Jones had heard tales about how Camden Yards used to be when the place was packed and the Orioles were in a pennant race. With one dramatic swing of the bat, Jones found out for himself just how crazy the place can get.

Jones hit the first of Baltimore's three home runs in a wild eighth inning, and the Orioles climbed back into a first-place tie with the Yankees in the AL East by defeating New York 10-6 Thursday night before a euphoric sellout crowd.

Mark Reynolds had two of Baltimore's season-high six home runs. Matt Wieters and Robert Andino also connected for the Orioles, who have won 10 of 13 -- a run that includes three of four over New York. Jones' leadoff homer in the eighth off David Robertson (1-6) put Baltimore ahead 7-6 after the Yankees rallied from a five-run deficit in the top half.

"I've always asked our trainer, Richie Bancells, how loud can this place get? I always asked that," Jones said. "After I hit that home run, he came up to me and said, 'That's how loud this place can get.' " Jones has hit many a game-winning home run, but none with the stakes so high."That's the biggest hit I've ever had in my life. Everything else up to this point has been leading up to this," he said. Wieters followed with a single and Reynolds hit a drive into the left-field seats. Chris Davisthen slammed the first pitch from Boone Logan over the right-field wall.

After trailing the Yankees by 10 games on July 18, the surging Orioles pulled even Tuesday, then dropped a game back on Wednesday before taking the opener of this important four-game series."They are playing with a lot of confidence right now," New York's Alex Rodriguez said. "You have to tip your hat to Baltimore."

Reynolds, who also went deep in the sixth, has homered in three straight games and has eight long balls in his last seven, including two in each of the three wins against New York. With Reynolds leading the way, the Orioles hit a half-dozen home runs in a game for the first time since Aug. 28, 2007, against Tampa Bay.

Baltimore has played several significant games in September in recent years, but this is the first time since 1997 that the Orioles have been in the hunt for a playoff berth. The fans reacted accordingly, cheering from the first pitch to the very end."You couldn't ask for better," manager Buck Showalter said. "A special environment. Really appreciative. It helped. It was a real difference-maker for us."

The Yankees always attract huge crowds, but this time an estimated 90 percent of those in attendance were cheering for the home team. The full house and the boisterous orange-clad fans conjured memories of a time long ago, when Baltimore made two straight playoff appearances in 1996-97 prior to a run of 14 consecutive losing seasons."It looked like a big tangerine," Jones said. "I liked that."

New York trailed 6-1 in the eighth before mounting a comeback fueled by four walks. After Alex Rodriguez hit an RBI double and CurtisGranderson singled in a run, the Yankees put runners on second and third with two outs. The fans rose to their feet in anticipation afterPedro Strop prepared to throw a 1-2 pitch to Russell Martin, but Strop ultimately issued a walk to load the bases for pinch-hitter Chris Dickerson, who drew a four-pitch walk to make it 6-4.Ichiro Suzuki followed with his third hit, a two-run single, before Darren O'Day (7-1) got the final out.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi derived little satisfaction from the comeback."When you're playing a team for first place, a loss is a loss," he said. "We swung the bats extremely well, but we didn't pitch well tonight."

Orioles starter Jason Hammel gave up one run and six hits in five-plus innings in his first outing since going on the disabled list in mid-July. The right-hander took a line drive by Robinson Canooff his elbow in the fourth, but stayed in the game.After Hammel warmed up the rowdy fans with a 1-2-3 first, three straight singles against David Phelps in the bottom half produced a run before Wieters hit an opposite-field, three-run drive to left for a 4-0 lead. It was his 19th home run of the season and the first since he connected off Phelps on Saturday.

New York got a run in the fourth on Cano's hit off Hammel's arm and an RBI single by Granderson. In the Baltimore half, Andino hit his career-high sixth home run to make it 5-1.Reynolds made it 6-1 with a solo shot off Joba Chamberlain.

Game notes

On the 17th anniversary of the day Cal Ripken Jr. broke Lou Gehrig's mark of consecutive games played, the Orioles unveiled a statue of the Iron Man in the picnic area beyond the center-field wall. Ripken is the fifth of Baltimore's six Hall of Fame stars to be so honored this season; the last will be Brooks Robinson. Baltimore improved to 8-7 against New York this season. The Orioles will send rookie Wei-Yin Chen to the mound Friday night and the 

Yankees will start Phil Hughes.

1st Night at the Bengies 2012

Matthew and I went to the Bengies on the day before the 4th of July (a Tuesday). We saw "Men In Black 3" and "The Amazing Spiderman". They were both good but I thought "Men In Black 3" was better, really funny. Before the show, "D" talked about the lawsuit he recently won against the Royal Farms store across the street. If the verdict stands, he's going to build a wall to block out the light.

Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day

NEW YORK—Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump reportedly stood before his bedroom's full-length mirror Wednesday morning and stared forlornly at his aged, shriveled penis before getting dressed and leaving his residence in Manhattan's Trump Tower to start the day.

According to reports, the 66-year-old had laid his suit out on his bed and was preparing to step into a pair of silk boxer shorts when he glimpsed his deteriorating body in the mirror. Trump then spent approximately 15 to 20 minutes morosely reflecting on his appearance, dedicating most of that time to gazing at his desiccated sexual anatomy and contemplating its all-but-total lack of function.

"God, look at this thing," said a dejected Trump, hoisting up a large quantity of belly flab with his forearm to make his stunted organ visible. "Pitiful."

Trump, who in just over an hour would be appearing on the morning show Fox And Friends to assert that the president of the United States was not an American citizen, is said to have grasped the bulb of his penis with his thumb and forefinger and stretched the organ to its full 3-inch length before letting it go and leaving it to loll on an unruly tangle of mostly gray pubic hair. Noticing the pronounced droop of his scrotum, Trump glumly cupped his testicles in his hand and lifted them several inches until they reached the approximate height at which they had hung in his youth and even into early middle age.

At this point, Trump is purported to have released the heavily crinkled pouch and sighed deeply.

"What the hell happened?" said Trump, who appeared to receive no reassurance by swiveling and viewing his shrunken penis in profile. "It's just…dead."

Sources confirmed Trump then received a phone call from an Associated Press reporter asking him to respond to charges that he was a "blowhard" and a "bully," allegations Trump managed to address despite his preoccupation with the condition of his sexual organ.

"I'm rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me," Trump told the caller, all the while struggling to recall the last time he was able to achieve even a partial erection. "That doesn't make me a bully. That just makes me better than most people."

"There's never been a success story like mine in the history of America," continued Trump, who briefly tipped the phone away from his mouth as he licked his palm and began tugging on his penis with a loose fist. "I'm a phenomenon, and I don't care who knows it—of course, everyone already does."

Upon disconnecting, Trump continued to stroke vigorously for three full minutes before giving up in exhaustion.

Shortly thereafter, Trump reportedly turned his attention to the remainder of his body, miserably noting in his reflection the complete absence of muscle tone in his arms, the vast network of wrinkles on his face that showed through despite a freshly applied layer of bronzer, and the loose flesh on his neck, which he pulled taut several times with his thumbs. According to sources, Trump then attempted to shake free of his melancholy by rising to his toes in a boxing stance and pantomiming a series of punch combinations, an effort that quickly embarrassed him and intensified his gloom.

"Sixty-six years old," said Trump, who has an estimated fortune of $2.9 billion. "What's 70 going to look like? And 75? What the hell am I gonna do then?"

Gazing over at the clothes neatly laid out on his bed, Trump added, "Goddamn it."

Get In The Cage

2010 Photos Online

2010 Photos Pt.1

2010 Photos Pt.2

Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out

The homesick Thompson, who needs his bottle because he misses mommy and daddy. Fuckin wuss.

MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies and daddies, 10-year-old Brandon Thompson needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this homesick bullshit is getting ridiculous, sources reported Saturday.

The child, who clearly just excused himself from eating pizza to call his house for the third goddamn time, had seriously better get his shit together ASAP or else all his moping around is going to ruin everyone's night.

Sources confirmed Thompson will see his parents again in less than 10 hours, so he needs to stop acting like a little bitch and relax, for Christ's sake.

"It doesn't seem like Brandon is having as much fun as the rest of us," said fellow sleepover attendee Nate Pirolli, rightly sensing that it's high time for Thompson to sack it up and get with the fucking program already. "I don't understand. We let him be first player in Gears Of War 3 and Batman: Arkham City, but he was being really quiet the whole time."

"Isn't he excited that Kevin's parents are going to let us watch Superbad later? That's an R-rated movie," he continued while a forlorn Thompson behaved as if his parents lived in Romania as opposed to 15 goddamn minutes away.

Though all he's being asked to do is spend a few hours having a blast with six of his closest friends, Thompson chose to sit out of a pre-dinner basketball game like a little pansy, claiming his allergies were acting up when in reality his puffed-up eyes and runny nose were a direct result of 30 minutes of sobbing in the Browns' upstairs bathroom.

Thompson, who by all accounts needs to just deal with it and grow the fuck up pronto, has but one obligation the whole night—the mindblowingly simple task of falling asleep—after which he will wake up, it will be morning, and his dad will come pick him up and take him to soccer practice.

Reports confirm Ryan Fitzpatrick, 10, and Jeremy Hillen, 10, aren't homesick little pussies and are totally game to try and stay up all night.

"Brandon told me he had a stomach ache and that's why he didn't eat any cake," said Nicholas Gellman, neglecting to call Thompson out on his bullshit and tell him to just nut up and eat his friend's fucking birthday cake. "I hope he feels better in the morning, because I heard we're getting chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream."

"It's weird, he had the same problem at my sleepover party too," Gellman said of the little baby girl.

According to sources, the irony here is that Thompson spends lots of time away from his parents every single day when he goes to school, so he ought to be used to it. In fact, reports indicate his parents would both probably agree their son ought to take a step back, stop letting his irrational fears spiral out of control for a minute, and quickly reach down to double-check that he still has a set.

"I know this can be a tough age for some children to sleep over at their friend's houses," Brown's mother Debbie said. "But I do think it's important that kids venture outside their comfort zones and see for themselves that it's okay to spend the night away from home sometimes."

"I will say, though, that I hope he stops coming to talk to me in the kitchen and goes to play with the other boys," she continued. "I'm not his fucking mom."

As of 9 p.m., Thompson is making a big deal out of nothing, he's totally fine, and if he walks over to that phone to ask his parents to come pick him up instead of manning up for just one night he's going to regret it for the rest of his goddamn life.

And there he fucking goes.

Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future

While the Declaration of Independence guarantees each of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, today's economic uncertainty has kept those sacred rights out of reach for many of our newest college graduates. Not long ago, all Americans, regardless of how young and unbearably irritating they were, could count on having a chance to make a good lives for themselves.

Everyone—even people like me, a twentysomething piece of shit who has contributed nothing to society yet expects everything to be handed to him anyway—deserves a shot at a decent future.

If this truly is the land of opportunity, shouldn't America's promise extend also to the most worthless of human beings who continue to live on their parents' dime two years after college? It seems as though this nation has forgotten about the parasitic, self-involved young assholes who believe jobs starting at $42,000 a year with benefits are their birthright. What about us? What about all the smug, over­educated pricks out there still asking Mom and Dad to pay off a credit-card invoice filled with $4 purchases of bubble tea?

When do we get our turn?

It's true, my own actions may have earned me nothing more than the right to have this toothy, shit-eating smile punched off my face, but that doesn't make me a second-class citizen. I believe I speak for every whiny, inexperienced half-wit of my generation when I say that we too want our piece of the American Dream, even if it means pushing out some sad 54-year-old fuck who hasn't taken a day off in over four years.

This is still America, right? God, I'm a piece of shit.

Look, I realize I'm just another wide-eyed twat whose concept of hard work comes from the lone summer he spent behind a cash register at Home Depot, but that shouldn't disqualify me from living the life I want. I'll never have to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, or worry about my parents missing a payment on the fully furnished condominium apartment I believe I'm entitled to. But nonetheless, I, like all immature, narcissistic dicks my age, are due the same rights as everyone else.

My parents worked hard to pay $150,000 for my prestigious private-college education, and what do I have to show for it? Yes, I'm part of a generation that has taught me to earnestly expect that I will some day be awarded a lucrative book or television deal based on my asinine Tumblr account, but in the meantime, I shouldn't be denied the same privileges that have been unaccountably granted to young American fuckups for years.

There was a time in this country when an overconfident fuckhead like me could graduate and skate right into a job he didn't deserve. I suppose all I'm asking for is the same basic employment opportunities that I, too, lack the experience and responsibility to handle.

Let me put it this way: Do you really want to live in a country that denies a future to completely unbearable little cocksuckers who have never learned any sort of humility whatsoever?

In this great nation of ours, it shouldn't matter how many excruciating recommendation letters are sent to potential employers as a favor to my parents, or how often during job interviews I discuss at embarrassing length current events about which I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. It's still my life to live.

And I firmly believe it is unconscionable that I may never get the same chances in this life I would never be generous enough to grant to anyone else.

At the end of the day, I'm one of those guys who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple, and nothing's going to change that. You can put me down for my dearth of any discernible talent or skill whatsoever, but you simply cannot deny the inevitable fact that I am the future.

Also, you can't honestly expect for me to wait until my parents die to become a millionaire.

1st Night At The Bengies

Went to our first show at the Bengies this weekend. Natalie, Matthew, Tara and I went. The movies were all good (the new "Pirates" was the weakest). Hard to believe Natalie went,  she never wants to go, but she wanted to see "Thor" for some reason.

Bengies eMail

Dear GREAT Patrons of the Bengies Drive-In Theatre,

We are NOW OPEN on FRIDAY, SATURDAY & SUNDAY rain or not!   


FOR the  weekend of  MAY 20, 21 & 22: 
A TriPPPle FEATURE Treat  for Friday and Saturday, A DouBBle Feature SUNDAY! 

The box office will OPEN on Friday & Saturday at 7pm,  BUT a little later on Sunday at 7:15pm,  with the show starting all 3 nights at sunset, which will occur THIS weekend at about 8:15pm.

NOTICE: we will not allow one person in a vehicle to occupy space on busy nights.  If you are joining others here at the Bengies, please "hook up" outside the theatre and use one vehicle.  We cannot turn away families because we ran out of space due to folks thinking that the Bengies is a parking lot!  You MAY park at our good neighbor's lot that is the yellow or orange-ish brick building next to the drive-in theater's entrance, (Austen's) if you park correctly, and then you may walk down the roadway to purchase a ticket and join your party.    IF YOU ARE A REGULAR CUSTOMER that normally comes alone, PLEASE email us through the website at least a day prior to your visit and tell us who you are, the year, make, color and model of your vehicle and we may be able to email you an exception.   See the other notes on this in the "BE READY TO ATTEND" link below, and watch for a special email notice on this next week.

On the BIGGEST theatre screen in the USA, our MAIN attraction is the newest installment of the continuing saga of the "PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN...ON STRANGER TIDES" rated PG13.  This time, Jack Sparrow (shouldn't there be a captain in there somewhere...?) holds the key to the Fountain of Youth!  Ken and I saw this at the trade screening (Sean had too much to do,... go figure...) and we came away with the same feeling.  It was fast, fun and we did not feel the 131minute running time at at all!  However we both agreed that was absolutely no reason for this to be in 3D.  "PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN...ON STRANGER TIDES" will show Friday and Saturday in the second position at 10pm, but much earlier on Sunday after our twilight opening which starts at 8:15pm.

Our co-feature is HELD OVER by OVERWHELMING DEMAND, the new action adventure from MARVEL COMICS  "THOR" is rated PG13 in [ << W I D E -- S C R E E N>> ]  "THOR," Marvel Comics' God of Thunder is cast down to Earth among humans where he must learn what it takes to be a true hero. Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, AND Anthony Hopkins are among a few of the all star cast.  "THOR" will show AFTER "Pirates..." all 3 nights, which means it will begin after the box office closes (due to the running time of "Pirates." . So on Friday and Saturday you MUST be in by midnight when the box office closes, and the box office closes on Sunday at 10:30pm.   You must be in by box office closing time in order to see this feature.  NO ONE is admitted to the Bengies Drive-In Theater AFTER the box office is closed!

A special feature to make it a TriPPPle Feature Treat on Friday & Saturday ONLY, first up just after our 8:15pm Opening Sequence,  we are delighted to present, from Walt Disney Pictures, the fun documentary all about "AFRICAN CATS," rated G, narrated by the awesome voice of Samuel L. Jackson.  With a short running time, this adventure is a true story and hits high acclaim from all critics and viewer alike.Showing first on Friday and Saturday ONLY just after our opening sequence that begins at 8:15pm.

You can help us keep things running smoothly, REMEMBER:
the >CLOSER< it gets to sunset, the L - O - N - G - E - R the line will Become! ARRIVE EARLY!!!... 


We CANNOT allow traffic to build on Maryland State Route 150.
We CANNOT allow traffic to build on Maryland State Route 150 
We WILL NOT allow traffic to build on Maryland State Route 150. 


Friday & Saturday,  May 20 & 21  -TriPPPle FEATURE   
"AFRICAN CATS"  G, begins after our opening sequence at 8:15pm
"Pirates of the Caribbean: ON STRANGER TIDES" PG13, at 10pm
"THOR" PG13 PG13, AFTER MIDNITE**


**REDUCED ADMISSION is not available this weekend,  
You MUST be in before the box office closes at 12:15am,   
NO ONE is admitted after the box office is closed.
Box Office CLOSES At 12:15am on Fri. & Sat.
NO ONE is admitted after the box office is closed.

Textile Day at the BMA

Natalie and I went to this event. It was a lot of fun. I saw a couple of print-making demonstrations while Natalie spent most of her time in the main display area. Next year we have to get there earlier.

May 14, 11 am-5 pm

Enjoy this day-long event celebrating the artistry of textiles at the BMA! Participate in art-making activities, featuring workshops on batik to beading, and watch live demos of the experts at work.

New this year!
Fashion show + Family workshops

Also featuring...
- African-American Quilters of Baltimore
- Baltimore Appliqué Society
- Baltimore Heritage Quilters' Guild
- Chesapeake Region Lace Guild
- Embroiderers’ Guild of America
- Others!

1st Orioles Game of 2011

Mom, Mike, Leslie and Natalie and I  went to the Orioles - Red sox game tonight. Natalie got the tickets from work and they were great seats - down the 3rd base line just past the visitors dugout, about nine rows back. Since the Red Sox were in town, so were there creepy fans. We were surrounded by them. But it all worked out in the end, we beat'em 4-1.

Images courtesy of the Sunpapers.

Ethicists Update List Of Acceptable Things To Masturbate To

Experts say the new list would help Americans more effectively pleasure themselves.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Unveiling what may be the most comprehensive guide to socially responsible self-pleasure ever published, a group of leading ethicists released Monday its list of things that are acceptable to masturbate to.

The 2011 edition of the Standards and Values in Autoerotic Practices is the first revision in 17 years of the venerable reference used to determine what images and thoughts are appropriate stimuli for bringing oneself to orgasm.

"This list recognizes our changing cultural attitudes and offers an ethical framework to address all aspects of the current masturbatory climate," said Harvard University philosophy professor Greg Hawkins, the publication's lead editor. "Now, when pleasuring themselves, Americans can determine whether to proceed with a clear conscience, or recoil in self-disgust."

Many changes reflect new realities posed by the Internet, which was barely mentioned in the last edition of the SVAP. For example, the revised guide declares it "permissible" to reach climax while perusing photos from the Facebook profile of a coworker or a spouse's friend; however, masturbating to online hidden-camera videos of a woman using a tanning bed is deemed "troubling, and unfit for self-gratification."

Other revisions simply take into account the passage of time, with guidelines now declaring it acceptable to "freely touch oneself" when thinking about or viewing images of Natalie Portman, a practice that had been explicitly prohibited under rules written in 1994, when the actress was 12 years old.

"And that goes for men and women both, because one of our top priorities this time was to eliminate all bias against homosexual impulses," Hawkins said of the 2011 edition, which for the first time ranks masturbating to a member of the same sex as "entirely ethical." "Arousing himself with thoughts of a naked Jon Hamm brushing past him in a locker room is every man's moral right."

The revised list of onanism-appropriate subjects also includes friends' mothers, President Barack Obama, first lady Michelle Obama, pre- and post-op transsexuals, the late actor Heath Ledger (with the firm caveat that he only be masturbated to as a living person), and Ohio resident Adam Clemons, who was in terrible shape back in the '90s, but has, according to ethicists, "really pulled himself together nicely."

The new SVAP also resolves a pair of longstanding debates by determining that it is weird, but not unethical, to masturbate to one's own reflection in a full-length mirror, and that it is also fine to masturbate to the mentally challenged—a reversal of previous guidelines and an affirmation that all persons may provide erotic inspiration, regardless of cognitive capacity.

For the 23rd consecutive edition, masturbating to a litter of newborn puppies is classified as "wrong, wrong, wrong."

Since its first publication in 1795, which counseled "gentlemen of quality to grasp themselves only when moved by the most refined and upright appreciation of a woman's figure," Standards and Values in Autoerotic Practices has often been accused of being incomplete. Even after the sexual revolution of the '60s and '70s, during which the book quadrupled in length, many still argue it is still inadequate.

"This new list may be an improvement, but it is still mystifyingly silent on such mainstays as nannies, shoes, and the scent of a cousin's panties," Amherst College ethicist Joshua McBride said. "Another edition and another slap in the face to people who enjoy grinding against stuffed animals."

However, those whose preferred masturbatory stimulus appeared on the list said they were grateful to have the validation they had long sought.

"You think you're always going to feel like a deviant for rubbing one out while you fantasize about being forced to drink your own breast milk by your brother-in-law," Phoenix resident Denise Berger said. "But then, all of a sudden, you're a decent person. See, it's right there on page 296."

The SVAP's editors acknowledged that their endeavor will likely always remain unfinished, since people have a near infinite capacity for finding new ways to excite themselves while manipulating their genitalia for self-pleasure.

"No doubt, another edition will always be required," Professor Hawkins said. "The human imagination won't let us rest very long."

"But, honestly, I'm just happy I finally got 'amputee' in there," Hawkins added. "You have no idea."

Facebook

Is a piece of crap.

Natalie Gets Dragged To The Museum

Natalie and I went to the Baltimore Museum of Art today to see the new photography exhibit "Seeing Now". We both really liked it. I actually got through it before Natalie, which is unusual, she usually has to wait for me. Larry Clark's photos of his meth-shooting friends were disturbing - like this one. I guess they're not all wholesome out there in the heartland.


Baltimore Museum of Art Article on "Seeing Now"
City Paper Article on "Seeing Now"
Urbanite Article on "Seeing Now"
Baltimore Sun Article on "Seeing Now"