2nd Orioles Game of 2013

We went to our second Orioles game of the season tonight. We beat the Yankees 6 - 3 to take the series. It was Tom, my Mom, Natalie, and I. We had those great seats Natalie gets sometimes that are right behind home plate. That's the second time this year and for a Yankees game no less. Great stuff. 

Photos from the Sunpapers by Karl Merton Ferron

Orioles restore order at Camden Yards, taking series from Yankees with 6-3 win

By Dan Connolly The Baltimore Sun

May 23, 2013

Earlier this week, the Orioles were spiraling out of the American League East race, couldn't win at home and were watching helplessly as their staunch bullpen faltered and their starters routinely checked out early.

Suddenly, after winning two straight against the division-leading New York Yankees — including Wednesday night's 6-3 victory — it's May again. There's no need for panic. 

For the moment, it's all Natty Bohs and roses (or Black-Eyed Susans) at Camden Yards.

“I think so,” said Orioles' first baseman Chris Davis when asked if beating the Yankees in the last two games should calm the masses for a bit. “I think the fact that it was against New York, who's at the top of our division and a team we feel we can compete with, I think it was huge. But we try not to get too low or get too high. We try to just stay even keel and go about [our work].”

The Orioles (25-21) closed out an eight-game homestand — which started with a season-worst six straight losses — by winning consecutive contests and, ultimately, the series. It's the first time the Orioles have won a series against the Yankees at Camden Yards since April 2009. 

Orioles manager Buck Showalter, as he does whenever the subject is broached, said his team wasn't caught up in the losing streak, how to get out of it or what it means now that they have.

“There's a difference between being paranoid and being alert, OK?” Showalter said. “And our guys are alert to what's around every corner. Just because something good happens or something bad happens doesn't mean it's going to continue unless you stay on top of your business, and this group will. I've been accused of being paranoid. I like to consider myself alert.”

The Orioles offense was wide awake when Wednesday's game started, bashing the Yankees' ace 1A, Hiroki Kuroda, both literally and figuratively — hitting two homers, scoring five runs and chasing Kuroda in the third because of a bruised right calf. Aninning earlier, he took a Manny Machado liner off the leg.

Kuroda (6-3) brought a 1.99 ERA into Wednesday night and hadn't allowed three earned runs in any of his nine outings this season. He gave up three runs in the first, a solo homer to Nick Markakis (his seventh) and a two-run shot to Davis. It was Davis' 14th homer, taking the American League lead back from the Yankees' Robinson Cano. 

Davis had four hits for the second time this season and is batting .375 since starting May 2-for-18.

After Kuroda left in the third with persistent leg soreness, Matt Wieters launched the second pitch from reliever Preston Claiborne for his seventh homer of the season. The three-run blast gave the Orioles a 6-1 lead, with all six runs coming via home runs. Ten of their 14 runs in the series scored on homers.

The homer trend wasn't the only one that emerged this series After right-hander Jason Hammel's two-run, 6 2/3 inning effort Wednesday, the Orioles have had four consecutive quality starts — at least six innings pitched, three runs or fewer allowed. That's the club's longest streak of the season for quality starts, and it comes after a stretch in which the Orioles' starter failed to go beyond five innings in six of seven games.

“We haven't really been pulling our weight,” Hammel (6-2) said of the rotation. “So once again tonight the guys put up some runs for us and we were able to pitch with a lead, which allows us to be aggressive. That's what they've been doing all year, so it's time for us pitchers to get deeper into games. … We're moving in the right direction.”

Hammel, the club's Opening Day starter who has not been crisp for most of the season, didn't dominate, but he stymied the Yankees offense. He allowed an RBI single to Cano in the third and Curtis Granderson's first homer of the year in the fifth, and that's all. He lowered his ERA to 5.37 with his first quality start since April 25 in Oakland.

“[Hammel] likes to win,” Showalter said. “I like guys who care a lot. Like all of us, we sometimes have to get out of our way a little bit, now and then. I don't think we've yet seen the best of him yet, and that's encouraging.”

As Hammel walked to the dugout after an outing that tied his longest of the season, many of the announced 26,725 rose to their feet for a standing ovation.

Lefty Brian Matusz entered in the seventh and recorded four straight outs. Darren O'Day allowed a solo homer to David Adams, but otherwise preserved the victory. In the club's six straight losses this homestand, the relievers posted a combined 7.94 ERA (20 runs in 22 2/3 innings). In their two wins, the bullpen allowed one run in 5 1/3 innings (1.69 ERA). 

The Orioles now head to Toronto just three games behind the division leading Yankees. And they'll have something else to look forward to: The major league debut of last year's top pick, right-hander Kevin Gausman, who will start against the Blue Jays tonight.

Days ago, the sky seemed to be falling at Camden Yards. 

And now it's just May again, with plenty of baseball remaining.

“When you play 162 games, you're going to have stretches where you don't feel good or you might even feel good but you're still losing ballgames,” Davis said. “I think the biggest thing to remember is to keep your emotions in check and continue to work like we have.”

dan.connolly@baltsun.com

twitter.com/danconnollysun

1st Orioles Game of 2013

Went to my first Orioles game of the year last night with Natalie, Matthew and Matthew's friend Alex. Natalie got some great seats from work - 18 rows behind home plate and a great parking pass. The Orioles won, beating Toronto 4-3.

Photos below from The Sunpapers by Gene Sweeney Jr.

Miguel Gonzalez

Ryan Flaherty scores past Blue Jays catcher Henry Blanco on a single by Manny Machado, making it 4-0 in the second inning.

Chris Davis gets congratulated by teammates in the dugout after scoring in the second inning against Toronto.

Manny Machado is out at second but managed to disrupt the throw of Toronto's Munenori Kawasaki to first, giving Nick Markakis the base on a fielders choice in the seventh.

Shortstop J.J. Hardy barehands the ball and throws to first to get Toronto's Jose Bautista in the eighth inning.

Pedro Strop reacts after striking out Melky Cabrera for the final out in the eighth inning. 

From  The Baltimore Sun

By Eduardo A. Encina

11:31 p.m. EDT, April 23, 2013

The last time the Orioles faced knuckleballer R.A. Dickey, they were mystified by pitches with so little spin that you could nearly make out Bud Selig's signature on the baseball. 

But Tuesday, the Orioles figured out the reigning National League Cy Young Award winner at Camden Yards in their first meeting against him as a member of the bolstered Toronto Blue Jays.

The Orioles batted around in a four-run second inning against Dickey, slapping his fluttering knuckleball around the holes in Toronto's infield, and then held on for a 4-3 win. 

Almost as impressive was how the Orioles bullpen closed out another late-inning, one-run lead for the team's 100th consecutive regular season win when leading after the completion of the seventh inning, a run that began Aug. 8, 2011 and correlates with the team's transformation into a winning ballclub. The streak is the second-longest during the expansion era — since 1961 — trailing only the 1998-99 New York Yankees (116).

Tuesday's victory, the Orioles' fifth in their last six games, also improved their record against the AL East to 9-5, and they have won four of five series against division opponents. The Orioles (12-8), who are now a season-high four games over .500, head into today's series finale with a chance to sweep their first series of the season.

“We have a lot of bridges to cross, but I'd rather see that than the other way,” Orioles manager Buck Showalter said. “There's another challenge around the corner, and I'm proud of the way they're taking on all of them. We know how good Toronto's going to be, and Tampa and New York and Boston. You've just got to keep plugging along trying to do what you do best.”

After opening the season 0-3 in one-run games, the Orioles have now one four straight.

Last June while with the Mets, Dickey pitched a one-hit, complete-game shutout against the Orioles, striking out 13. But Tuesday, the Orioles got to Dickey early. They opened the second inning with three singles against him, none of them hit especially hard, but still damaging nonetheless.

Matt Wieters had an RBI single, Nolan Reimold added a sacrifice fly, and the biggest hit in the rally was Manny Machado's two-out, two-run single that gave the Orioles a 4-0 lead. Already leading 2-0 with the bases loaded, Machado took the first pitch up the middle past a diving Munenori Kawasaki at shortstop.

“It's tough to hit that ball,” Machado said. “It's not an easy pitch to hit. We took advantage of his mistakes with the bases loaded. We came up with big hits, scored one, then we got more. Against someone like that, a Cy Young winner, you have to go up there and take advantage of all his mistakes he makes, and we did a good job of that today.”

Orioles starter Miguel Gonzalez made one costly mistake — a three-run homer by Edwin Encarnacion in the sixth that came after a pair of two-out walks — but he still recorded his third quality start in four outings this season. Gonzalez yielded five hits over six innings with four strikeouts and three walks. 

Gonzalez (2-1) made relatively easy work of the Blue Jays early, holding Toronto scoreless for five innings until running into trouble in the sixth. He has produced quality starts in seven of his last eight starts dating back to last season, all of them coming against AL East teams. He has 12 quality starts in 14 career starts against division opponents.

“Instead of staying on my toes, I was on my heels that sixth inning,” Gonzalez said. “Balls were up. [I was] just trying to do too much when I really didn't need to. Good thing we got the win. We got Dickey early, which is really, really tough to get him, especially with that knuckleball. We are not used to seeing a lot.”

Dickey (2-3), who has struggled with his new team, allowed just one hit after the second inning, but he also walked a season-high five batters. He lasted six innings, allowing four runs on six hits with four strikeouts, a wild pitch and a passed ball. 

Acquired to a part of Toronto's massive offseason upgrade aimed at winning the division, Dickey has a 9.28 ERA in two starts against AL East teams this year.

The Orioles bullpen locked down the Blue Jays in the final three innings. Left-hander Brian Matusz pitched a perfect seventh, notching two strikeouts.

Right-hander Pedro Strop then stranded runners at first and third in the eighth by striking out Melky Cabrera to end the inning. Closer Jim Johnson pitched a scoreless ninth for his eighth save of the season.

Strop and Johnson both said they didn't know about the 100-game winning streak when leading after seven innings.

“I knew we've been winning a lot since last year and the year before in September when everything started,” Strop said. “I knew we were winning a lot of one-run games, but I didn't know we had won that many.”

Said Johnson: “Obviously it means that guys are throwing the ball well in the bullpen, getting put in good opportunities and doing what they're supposed to do. ... 

“You're kind of hitting me blindsided with this, but if you look at the date, that's pretty much when things started to turn around here. So we kind of point to that as maybe the beginning.”

eencina@baltsun.com

twitter.com/EddieInTheYard

Read more: http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/orioles/bal-orioles-rally-against-ra-dickey-in-43-win-over-blue-jays-20130423,0,5098026.story#ixzz2ROpFV9JE

Contemporary Short Films and Videos at the BMA

I went to the Contemporary Short Film show at the BMA today. Fun stuff. Here's the program (I starred my favorites).

• Stephanie Barber: The Hunch that Caused the Winning Streak and Fought the Doldrums Mightily (2010)*
• Tom Borax: Journey to a Star (2012) *
• Mark Brown: Growing/Innit (2008) *
• David Gatten: How to Conduct a Love Affair (2007) 
• Lawrence Jordan: Solar Sight II (2012)*
•  William Knipscher: Can't Remember, Can't Forget (2012)
•  Leida Lertxundi: A Lax Riddle Unit (2011)
• Jonas Mekas: Andy at Work (2006) *
• Rebecca Meyers: lions and tigers and bears (2006) 
• Miranda Pfeiffer: Dark Windows (2011)* 
• Luther Price: The Biscuit Song (2008) 
• Jennifer Reeves: Landfill 16 (2011) 
• Tasman Richardson: Eyecandy (2005) *
• Karen Yasinsky: Audition (2012)

Links to two of my favorites on YouTube:

Eyecandy

Growing // Innit

MS Paint Album Covers

MS Paint Album Covers, a set by Public Collectors on Flickr.

BMA Contemporary Wing Grand Re-Opening

Experimental Fashion Show - This photo is not from the show I saw but these costumes were in it. Maybe the photo is from the night before. They sure looked better in the dark. Below is one I took with my crappy camera.

1st Orioles Game of 2012

We wupped'em - 10 to 6.

Cal Ripken Throwing Out The First Pitch - From The Baltimore Sun

From ESPN/MLB

BALTIMORE -- Adam Jones had heard tales about how Camden Yards used to be when the place was packed and the Orioles were in a pennant race. With one dramatic swing of the bat, Jones found out for himself just how crazy the place can get.

Jones hit the first of Baltimore's three home runs in a wild eighth inning, and the Orioles climbed back into a first-place tie with the Yankees in the AL East by defeating New York 10-6 Thursday night before a euphoric sellout crowd.

Mark Reynolds had two of Baltimore's season-high six home runs. Matt Wieters and Robert Andino also connected for the Orioles, who have won 10 of 13 -- a run that includes three of four over New York. Jones' leadoff homer in the eighth off David Robertson (1-6) put Baltimore ahead 7-6 after the Yankees rallied from a five-run deficit in the top half.

"I've always asked our trainer, Richie Bancells, how loud can this place get? I always asked that," Jones said. "After I hit that home run, he came up to me and said, 'That's how loud this place can get.' " Jones has hit many a game-winning home run, but none with the stakes so high."That's the biggest hit I've ever had in my life. Everything else up to this point has been leading up to this," he said. Wieters followed with a single and Reynolds hit a drive into the left-field seats. Chris Davisthen slammed the first pitch from Boone Logan over the right-field wall.

After trailing the Yankees by 10 games on July 18, the surging Orioles pulled even Tuesday, then dropped a game back on Wednesday before taking the opener of this important four-game series."They are playing with a lot of confidence right now," New York's Alex Rodriguez said. "You have to tip your hat to Baltimore."

Reynolds, who also went deep in the sixth, has homered in three straight games and has eight long balls in his last seven, including two in each of the three wins against New York. With Reynolds leading the way, the Orioles hit a half-dozen home runs in a game for the first time since Aug. 28, 2007, against Tampa Bay.

Baltimore has played several significant games in September in recent years, but this is the first time since 1997 that the Orioles have been in the hunt for a playoff berth. The fans reacted accordingly, cheering from the first pitch to the very end."You couldn't ask for better," manager Buck Showalter said. "A special environment. Really appreciative. It helped. It was a real difference-maker for us."

The Yankees always attract huge crowds, but this time an estimated 90 percent of those in attendance were cheering for the home team. The full house and the boisterous orange-clad fans conjured memories of a time long ago, when Baltimore made two straight playoff appearances in 1996-97 prior to a run of 14 consecutive losing seasons."It looked like a big tangerine," Jones said. "I liked that."

New York trailed 6-1 in the eighth before mounting a comeback fueled by four walks. After Alex Rodriguez hit an RBI double and CurtisGranderson singled in a run, the Yankees put runners on second and third with two outs. The fans rose to their feet in anticipation afterPedro Strop prepared to throw a 1-2 pitch to Russell Martin, but Strop ultimately issued a walk to load the bases for pinch-hitter Chris Dickerson, who drew a four-pitch walk to make it 6-4.Ichiro Suzuki followed with his third hit, a two-run single, before Darren O'Day (7-1) got the final out.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi derived little satisfaction from the comeback."When you're playing a team for first place, a loss is a loss," he said. "We swung the bats extremely well, but we didn't pitch well tonight."

Orioles starter Jason Hammel gave up one run and six hits in five-plus innings in his first outing since going on the disabled list in mid-July. The right-hander took a line drive by Robinson Canooff his elbow in the fourth, but stayed in the game.After Hammel warmed up the rowdy fans with a 1-2-3 first, three straight singles against David Phelps in the bottom half produced a run before Wieters hit an opposite-field, three-run drive to left for a 4-0 lead. It was his 19th home run of the season and the first since he connected off Phelps on Saturday.

New York got a run in the fourth on Cano's hit off Hammel's arm and an RBI single by Granderson. In the Baltimore half, Andino hit his career-high sixth home run to make it 5-1.Reynolds made it 6-1 with a solo shot off Joba Chamberlain.

Game notes

On the 17th anniversary of the day Cal Ripken Jr. broke Lou Gehrig's mark of consecutive games played, the Orioles unveiled a statue of the Iron Man in the picnic area beyond the center-field wall. Ripken is the fifth of Baltimore's six Hall of Fame stars to be so honored this season; the last will be Brooks Robinson. Baltimore improved to 8-7 against New York this season. The Orioles will send rookie Wei-Yin Chen to the mound Friday night and the 

Yankees will start Phil Hughes.

1st Night at the Bengies 2012

Matthew and I went to the Bengies on the day before the 4th of July (a Tuesday). We saw "Men In Black 3" and "The Amazing Spiderman". They were both good but I thought "Men In Black 3" was better, really funny. Before the show, "D" talked about the lawsuit he recently won against the Royal Farms store across the street. If the verdict stands, he's going to build a wall to block out the light.

Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day

NEW YORK—Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump reportedly stood before his bedroom's full-length mirror Wednesday morning and stared forlornly at his aged, shriveled penis before getting dressed and leaving his residence in Manhattan's Trump Tower to start the day.

According to reports, the 66-year-old had laid his suit out on his bed and was preparing to step into a pair of silk boxer shorts when he glimpsed his deteriorating body in the mirror. Trump then spent approximately 15 to 20 minutes morosely reflecting on his appearance, dedicating most of that time to gazing at his desiccated sexual anatomy and contemplating its all-but-total lack of function.

"God, look at this thing," said a dejected Trump, hoisting up a large quantity of belly flab with his forearm to make his stunted organ visible. "Pitiful."

Trump, who in just over an hour would be appearing on the morning show Fox And Friends to assert that the president of the United States was not an American citizen, is said to have grasped the bulb of his penis with his thumb and forefinger and stretched the organ to its full 3-inch length before letting it go and leaving it to loll on an unruly tangle of mostly gray pubic hair. Noticing the pronounced droop of his scrotum, Trump glumly cupped his testicles in his hand and lifted them several inches until they reached the approximate height at which they had hung in his youth and even into early middle age.

At this point, Trump is purported to have released the heavily crinkled pouch and sighed deeply.

"What the hell happened?" said Trump, who appeared to receive no reassurance by swiveling and viewing his shrunken penis in profile. "It's just…dead."

Sources confirmed Trump then received a phone call from an Associated Press reporter asking him to respond to charges that he was a "blowhard" and a "bully," allegations Trump managed to address despite his preoccupation with the condition of his sexual organ.

"I'm rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me," Trump told the caller, all the while struggling to recall the last time he was able to achieve even a partial erection. "That doesn't make me a bully. That just makes me better than most people."

"There's never been a success story like mine in the history of America," continued Trump, who briefly tipped the phone away from his mouth as he licked his palm and began tugging on his penis with a loose fist. "I'm a phenomenon, and I don't care who knows it—of course, everyone already does."

Upon disconnecting, Trump continued to stroke vigorously for three full minutes before giving up in exhaustion.

Shortly thereafter, Trump reportedly turned his attention to the remainder of his body, miserably noting in his reflection the complete absence of muscle tone in his arms, the vast network of wrinkles on his face that showed through despite a freshly applied layer of bronzer, and the loose flesh on his neck, which he pulled taut several times with his thumbs. According to sources, Trump then attempted to shake free of his melancholy by rising to his toes in a boxing stance and pantomiming a series of punch combinations, an effort that quickly embarrassed him and intensified his gloom.

"Sixty-six years old," said Trump, who has an estimated fortune of $2.9 billion. "What's 70 going to look like? And 75? What the hell am I gonna do then?"

Gazing over at the clothes neatly laid out on his bed, Trump added, "Goddamn it."

Get In The Cage

2010 Photos Online

2010 Photos Pt.1

2010 Photos Pt.2

Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out

The homesick Thompson, who needs his bottle because he misses mommy and daddy. Fuckin wuss.

MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies and daddies, 10-year-old Brandon Thompson needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this homesick bullshit is getting ridiculous, sources reported Saturday.

The child, who clearly just excused himself from eating pizza to call his house for the third goddamn time, had seriously better get his shit together ASAP or else all his moping around is going to ruin everyone's night.

Sources confirmed Thompson will see his parents again in less than 10 hours, so he needs to stop acting like a little bitch and relax, for Christ's sake.

"It doesn't seem like Brandon is having as much fun as the rest of us," said fellow sleepover attendee Nate Pirolli, rightly sensing that it's high time for Thompson to sack it up and get with the fucking program already. "I don't understand. We let him be first player in Gears Of War 3 and Batman: Arkham City, but he was being really quiet the whole time."

"Isn't he excited that Kevin's parents are going to let us watch Superbad later? That's an R-rated movie," he continued while a forlorn Thompson behaved as if his parents lived in Romania as opposed to 15 goddamn minutes away.

Though all he's being asked to do is spend a few hours having a blast with six of his closest friends, Thompson chose to sit out of a pre-dinner basketball game like a little pansy, claiming his allergies were acting up when in reality his puffed-up eyes and runny nose were a direct result of 30 minutes of sobbing in the Browns' upstairs bathroom.

Thompson, who by all accounts needs to just deal with it and grow the fuck up pronto, has but one obligation the whole night—the mindblowingly simple task of falling asleep—after which he will wake up, it will be morning, and his dad will come pick him up and take him to soccer practice.

Reports confirm Ryan Fitzpatrick, 10, and Jeremy Hillen, 10, aren't homesick little pussies and are totally game to try and stay up all night.

"Brandon told me he had a stomach ache and that's why he didn't eat any cake," said Nicholas Gellman, neglecting to call Thompson out on his bullshit and tell him to just nut up and eat his friend's fucking birthday cake. "I hope he feels better in the morning, because I heard we're getting chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream."

"It's weird, he had the same problem at my sleepover party too," Gellman said of the little baby girl.

According to sources, the irony here is that Thompson spends lots of time away from his parents every single day when he goes to school, so he ought to be used to it. In fact, reports indicate his parents would both probably agree their son ought to take a step back, stop letting his irrational fears spiral out of control for a minute, and quickly reach down to double-check that he still has a set.

"I know this can be a tough age for some children to sleep over at their friend's houses," Brown's mother Debbie said. "But I do think it's important that kids venture outside their comfort zones and see for themselves that it's okay to spend the night away from home sometimes."

"I will say, though, that I hope he stops coming to talk to me in the kitchen and goes to play with the other boys," she continued. "I'm not his fucking mom."

As of 9 p.m., Thompson is making a big deal out of nothing, he's totally fine, and if he walks over to that phone to ask his parents to come pick him up instead of manning up for just one night he's going to regret it for the rest of his goddamn life.

And there he fucking goes.

Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future

While the Declaration of Independence guarantees each of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, today's economic uncertainty has kept those sacred rights out of reach for many of our newest college graduates. Not long ago, all Americans, regardless of how young and unbearably irritating they were, could count on having a chance to make a good lives for themselves.

Everyone—even people like me, a twentysomething piece of shit who has contributed nothing to society yet expects everything to be handed to him anyway—deserves a shot at a decent future.

If this truly is the land of opportunity, shouldn't America's promise extend also to the most worthless of human beings who continue to live on their parents' dime two years after college? It seems as though this nation has forgotten about the parasitic, self-involved young assholes who believe jobs starting at $42,000 a year with benefits are their birthright. What about us? What about all the smug, over­educated pricks out there still asking Mom and Dad to pay off a credit-card invoice filled with $4 purchases of bubble tea?

When do we get our turn?

It's true, my own actions may have earned me nothing more than the right to have this toothy, shit-eating smile punched off my face, but that doesn't make me a second-class citizen. I believe I speak for every whiny, inexperienced half-wit of my generation when I say that we too want our piece of the American Dream, even if it means pushing out some sad 54-year-old fuck who hasn't taken a day off in over four years.

This is still America, right? God, I'm a piece of shit.

Look, I realize I'm just another wide-eyed twat whose concept of hard work comes from the lone summer he spent behind a cash register at Home Depot, but that shouldn't disqualify me from living the life I want. I'll never have to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, or worry about my parents missing a payment on the fully furnished condominium apartment I believe I'm entitled to. But nonetheless, I, like all immature, narcissistic dicks my age, are due the same rights as everyone else.

My parents worked hard to pay $150,000 for my prestigious private-college education, and what do I have to show for it? Yes, I'm part of a generation that has taught me to earnestly expect that I will some day be awarded a lucrative book or television deal based on my asinine Tumblr account, but in the meantime, I shouldn't be denied the same privileges that have been unaccountably granted to young American fuckups for years.

There was a time in this country when an overconfident fuckhead like me could graduate and skate right into a job he didn't deserve. I suppose all I'm asking for is the same basic employment opportunities that I, too, lack the experience and responsibility to handle.

Let me put it this way: Do you really want to live in a country that denies a future to completely unbearable little cocksuckers who have never learned any sort of humility whatsoever?

In this great nation of ours, it shouldn't matter how many excruciating recommendation letters are sent to potential employers as a favor to my parents, or how often during job interviews I discuss at embarrassing length current events about which I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. It's still my life to live.

And I firmly believe it is unconscionable that I may never get the same chances in this life I would never be generous enough to grant to anyone else.

At the end of the day, I'm one of those guys who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple, and nothing's going to change that. You can put me down for my dearth of any discernible talent or skill whatsoever, but you simply cannot deny the inevitable fact that I am the future.

Also, you can't honestly expect for me to wait until my parents die to become a millionaire.