It Came From Raspeburg eBook

An anthology of horror short stories I scanned and coverted to an eBook.

Link to download "It Came From Raspeburg" ebook

Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

 

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Describing him as frequently frustrated and overwhelmed, sources confirmed Monday that local Facebook user Michael Huffman is incredibly stupid. “I need stuff easy,” said the absolute dipshit, adding that he finds many things confusing, and that those things must be changed so that they make sense to him. “I like looking at things on Facebook, but I don’t understand a lot. Help, please.” At press time, someone had reportedly fixed everything for the goddamn imbecile.

1st Orioles Game of 2014

Today we went to our first Orioles game of 2014. We beat the Indians 4-2. My mother got the tickets from her neighbor Bill. They were great seats, rows 9 and 10 behind the visiting team's dugout, with a great parking pass. Mom, Mike, Karen and I went. Great weather too.

Photos from the Sun by Joy R. Absalon, USA Today Sports and Rob Carr, Getty Images.

1st Night at the Bengies in 2014

Matthew and I went to the Bengies Drive-In tonight. It was Sunday night so it was a double feature instead of the usual triple feature. We saw "Godzilla 2014" and "300: Rise of an Empire". They were both good. I'm glad we went, I didn't make it to a single show in 2013. Also, it was cold, really cold. We were all wrapped up in comforters trying to keep warm. Click on the photos to see the trailers.

Sure, they're a little dirty, and a couple of them look like they're from the 70's but....

FREEPORT, ME—Excitedly pushing past each other as they gathered around the slightly soggy pile, a group of overjoyed local fifth-graders came across several perfectly good naked ladies lying right in the woods behind the baseball field, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Whoa! Look at all of them—you can see everything!” said wide-eyed 11-year-old Joshua Goldstein as he knelt down to closely inspect each one of the fully nude young women lying in a haphazard heap on the ground, before turning his attention to a large-breasted one left draped over a log. “Sure, they’re a little dirty, and a couple of them look like they’re from the ’70s, but after we dry them off they’ll be perfect. They’re still in pretty good shape! Who would just leave them lying out here like this?” After concluding that their mothers might discover the nude women if they brought them home, the boys reportedly decided to tuck the naked ladies under some bushes and come back to look at them later.

So-Called Christian Has Erection

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection.

Daugherty, who claims to abide by the word of the Lord and walk in the footsteps of Jesus, is nonetheless now in a state of physical arousal, a development that has sent shockwaves through his community and deeply troubled his fellow churchgoers.

“How could anyone who professes to be a Christian fall to such shameful depths?” said Janet Hindsley, a member of Daugherty’s church who told reporters she was stunned and disgusted at news of the man’s engorged genitals. “I know people are capable of these kinds of ghastly practices. I’m not naïve. But you just don’t expect this sort of sinful behavior from someone you worship with every Sunday.”

“The thought that I’ve probably shared a pew with him before makes me sick to my stomach,” she added, shaking her head in revulsion.

Though Daugherty reportedly reads the Bible almost every day and regularly speaks out about his faith, sources said his present titillated condition puts him repulsively at odds with his assertion that he has accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. While many church members said they are praying for the soul of a man they believe has gone down a dark path, others are calling for the “pervert” and “heretic” to be expelled from their congregation.

According to Darren Howe, who belongs to the same men’s prayer group as Daugherty, this isn’t the first time the purported believer in the Holy Scripture has become erect.

“He confided to me that he gets them at least once a week, and sometimes every day,” said Howe with visible distaste, adding that while he was revolted by the admission, he encouraged Daugherty in his battle to remain pure before the eyes of the Lord. “Apparently he’s even woken up in the morning with one, as horribly depraved as that is. And this is a man who has children! He’s got that… that thing under the same roof as his kids!”

“How could Jeff let his body become an instrument of Satan?” he continued. “He must renounce this evil in his life and repent.”

Fearing Daugherty may bring his tumescent phallus into their place of worship Sunday, some church members have appealed to their pastor, the Rev. Allen Whitlock, to prevent the “insult to all creation” from entering God’s house.

“While it’s true we are all sinners, that doesn’t give us an excuse to live as wickedly as we please,” Whitlock said when reached for comment. “I’ve known Jeff a long time. I’ve had dinner at his house. I’ve prayed with his family at their kitchen table. It unnerves me to think that right there in his lap, out of sight and inches away from me, Jeff might very well have been quietly sinning. Because even if no one else can see it, the Lord can.”

“Do I want a man singing songs of praise in my church while his body is flush with such impurity?” he continued. “No, I do not. It’s an abomination, and it must stop.”

At press time, the pastor stood before a hastily convened vigil outside Daugherty’s house, urging his congregation to pray for the fallen man’s erection to retreat and remain dormant so that he might one day resume his walk with God.

AVAM New Exhibit

Natalie and I went to see the new exhibit at the American Visionary Arts Museum today. It's called "Human, Soul & Machine: The Coming Singularity!" The exhibit was smaller than usual (only half the second floor) but still worth seeing if just for the Christmas room called "Have Yourself  A Happy Robotmas".